Grad School Dropout

From Feelings of Failure to Empowerment

One of the highlights of my life was being admitted to graduate school. I never imagined that my life would take a turn to where I had to dropout. However, the emergence of disability such as Bipolar I disorder and chronic pain made my life take a different turn.

I was in graduate school at the University of Louisville and I knew exactly what I wanted to do in life. I wanted to become a psychologist and go all the way to my Doctorate degree. 2014 was the year that I was finally enrolled after taking two gap years to work in mental health.

A suicide attempt in the Spring semester of 2015 didn’t stop me. “School is not a priority right now” a professor told me. I didn’t listen. I kept pushing towards my studies. between 2015 and 2017, I went through 2 car accidents that was traumatic to me and chronic pain that was hard to treat. Then psychosis began to set in.

I had no choice but to come back home from graduate school in the big city of Louisville, KY to small town life in Hopkinsville. All I wanted was peace, but a sorority sister told me that my decision to come back home was a bad decision for multiple reasons. I did not understand what she meant at the time. I could barely read the room. How could I read my environment?

I knew in my mind that I would get better and just easily relocate back. However I worked hard in a call center to the point of burnout and after losing that job, I had to file for disability. After 5 admissions to the mental health hospital, I realized that just uprooting my life again was going to be a hard task.

I had complex medical issues that unfortunately did not get good care over the years. Being bounced from doctor to doctor and facility to facility to find answers was a challenge. My health issues regarding my physical pain was blamed alot on my weight.

People kept on telling me to prioritize my health, but I yearned for the life that I had in Louisville, KY. The ability to be around high achieving professionals, queer dating, and my own place were success indicators for me. So when I would up in a small town with barely any queer life, living in public housing, and living on the poverty line, I began to regret the trajectory of my life.

Why did I regret something that once made me happy? 2023 was when I won disability, finally got my own apartment in public housing, I was able to purchase a used car, and I was nurturing the close friendships that I had. I felt like I was at peace and was living a low stress life.

I started to regret my life as a disabled person when I got back into online dating. Many dating prospects were far away from me. Worse of all, when I would tell them that I was disabled and live on SSDI, dating prospects began to ghost me. I heard statements like, “You are a liability”, “No one wants to be a caretaker”. So I pushed myself to try to enroll back in school only for my body to reject the exertion of me applying to graduate school again.

I realized that right now I am still not ready for graduate school. Even after years of being in mental and physical health recovery. Even after losing 80 pounds and finally getting a fibromyalgia diagnosis. My body told me to not go back to grad school, but to continue running my psychic business and start other businesses.

I realized when I get a pain flare, I start to regret my life. I think about how if I weren’t disabled, then I would get the things that I want. Power, prestige, and position. My body however is redefining was success looks like.

What is success for a disabled grad school dropout? Well for starters, I celebrate reading tarot for the public for 3 years, I celebrate becoming viral a few times on Tiktok, I celebrate having a good relationship with family, I celebrate being a member of a Black nonprofit organization, I went through some leadership courses while I was a grad school drop out. I did all of this while being in poverty in a small town. So for that I am still successful.

Even though I didn’t complete my graduate degree, I still feel happy that I have a Bachelors degree, which is something that some people don’t have. I have an apartment. I have food in my house. I have a close relationship with my mother and sister. I expanded my social circle.

If you are in my position, remember to see the bright side of your situation and practice gratitude. Not everyone has the privilege of living in a developed country with running water and food to eat.

Also, you have to figure out what success looks like outside of achievement culture and capitalism. Having a stable home life where there is inner peace, no drama from bad lovers and friends, and breath in your body is something that you can appreciate.

Also, yes I have state insurance, but that is allowing me to get the medications that I need for free or low price. If I made anymore than what I already bring in, I would lose my health insurance and home health aides. I’m grateful for them.

Additionally, you have to be realistic. Is going back to school worth the debt that you accrue, especially if you have the possibility of having your student loans forgiven? So people flaunt their degrees and desire to climb the career wall of success, btu sometimes your body will not be able to handle a full time job. If you know that you can’t work a full time job, then perhaps getting a degree right now is not a good time unless you can get accommodations.

I’ve had to adjust my career goals. I went from wanting to get a doctorate to an entrepreneur. I take on as many or as few clients as I want and I customize my schedule. Realistically, contract work and your own business may be a better option.

With that said, I am grieving the decision fo going back to school for now cause I might not ever be ready. That’s ok. I’m not giving up on my goals of a career, family, and a home, but for now I empower myself to accomplishing small goals one day at a time.